Saturday, June 5, 2010

Where my dogs at?

Chafing and perpetual camel toe aside, I've recently become a fan of stationary cycling at my gym. Amidst other workouts that I'm trying to have compensate for me being an ex-collegiate athlete, I've found that cycling is the best workout because I'm not really aware I'm working out until I try to get up for  a drink of water and my legs stop working due to the longevity of my faux bike ride.

I was at the gym today, cycling my little chocolate-loving heart out, and a movie began playing on one of the tiny treadmill televisions directly in front of me. Alas, I began watching "I Am Legend."

After a few minutes of gawking at Will Smith's hot black bod, and growing increasingly more curious about what it would be like to live in a deserted world, I embark on the most awful and depressing scene of the movie:

When his precious dog, Sam, dies in his toned arms because a douche bag zombie-human's zombie-dog bit her in a vicious battle.

Then, it hit me. The saddest part of any movie pertaining to a dog, is if/when the dog dies. Examples include but are not limited to: Old Yellar, Homeward Bound, Lassie, My Dog Skip and Air Bud. Say the dog and its owner get into a street debacle with a gang. Shots fire and we see the owner is still standing strong while its puppy is left on the ground to bleed to its death.

Boom. Instant tears.

The audience could have cared less if the human survived the gang bang, so long as the doggy made it out of there alive. What did the dog ever do to you? Nothing. Nothing but need you, love you and serve as inexorable means of bouncy, furry happiness. I began to develop a theory as I was cycling deeper into my "random uphill" workout regime. I feel as though people feel more pain when dogs die in movies because they're the most loyal species to roam this planet. I would say "animals" instead of "dogs" but cats are selfish assholes.

Think about it, do mean things to your friends - you get shit listed for a while. Do mean things to your dogs - he shits in the yard and brings you your slippers at night. You could swap your dog's water bowl for a bowl full of vodka and he would still bite a burglar for you when the time came. Do that to your friend and you're getting sand in your bed.

The innate loyalty dogs possess is astounding. Which is why I think it's sad to see them die, even in movies. It's like they're the only good people left. Well, them and the guy from the Allstate Insurance commercials. Who has an uncanny resemblance to what the prodigy of Denzel Washington and Morgan Freeman would look like.