Monday, June 4, 2012

A girl's gotta eat.

Below is a real conversation that was had with a coworker of mine:

D: Hey Sadie, can you come take a look at this?
Me: Sure, let me get a couple hard-boiled eggs and make my flax oatmeal right quick.
D: you eat anything that tastes good?

To some, I tend eat things that resemble cardboard and moss. While my body chooses to love an unreasonable portion of fruits and vegetables over a tall salty stack of McDonald's hashbrown pucks - my mouth begs to differ. Thus, I bring you my [shortened] list of scrumptiously horrible foods that my mouth could eat for the rest of my life.


My man.

  • Fletcher's Corny Dogs.
  • Really, any brand of corn dog. But there's a special time of year when my family and I venture to the State Fair. Upon arrival of that redneck playground, my eyes widen like Jesus is coming and I run with both hands fiercely stretched out in front of me as if Fletcher himself were going to issue me a hug and a lifetime supply of Corny Dogs. After my fat girl dash, I revel in that little fried delight. Then, hours later, I will have a second Dog to end my trip to the State Fair of Texas and begin my week-long digestion battle. 
  • Taco Bell's Crunchwrap Supreme. My love affair with these little saucers of Tex-Mex glory first began in high school. Specifically, when I realized I was starving at the end of every volleyball game. After each game, there was a brief time where I would retrieve food, and eat it at my then-boyfriend's house. There was a mini "restaurant row", so to speak, and among those dining establishments was a KFC/Taco Bell combo. What would my high-school self order nearly every single game night? A Crunch Wrap Supreme, potato wedges, a steak Grilled Stuff'd Burrito, and a sweet tea - for good measure. How am I alive? 
  • California Rolls. Ah, the universal roll in the sushi world. While a Rainbow Roll typically wins me over on the menu, there's no escaping that the base of that colorfully delicious masterpiece is, in fact, a Cali Roll. "But Sadie, sushi is fish and rice and seaweed and avocado. That's pretty healthy!" Yes my readersan, normally you'd be right. But 99.9% of all California Rolls are made with crab stick. Which is mostly composed of 3 parts random white fish, 2 parts food dyes, 1 part incomprehensible chemical, and 10 parts tasty. 
  • Chocolate covered almonds. If ever I wander away from you in the grocery store, you will either find me reading labels of obscure foods - or staring at the bulk chocolate covered almonds tube that you can pour into a large bag at your leisure. There might have been a time last month where I filled a 2 pound bag as a "road trip snack" and ate it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. One is just never, ever enough. 
  • Lil Smokies. If you bring me to a barbecue or house party that is serving these little weens on a toothpick, it is probable that I will consume no fewer than 35 smokies in one sitting. That is all.
  • And lastly, A fat Chipotle burrito. Many of you are aware of my mild obsession with Chipotle. But it may come as a surprise to most of you that every time I open those faux chrome doors and see the beautiful assembly line of Mexican goodness - I weep. I weep, because I know I cannot order that warmed flour tortilla, I cannot order that cheese, and I cannot add the dollop of sour cream. Instead, I order the stupid salad with no dairy. Someday soon, I'm going to order that perfectly crafted burrito that I first fell in love with (tort, white rice, black beans, peppers and onions, steak, pico, lettuce, cheese, sour cream, guac, and a sprinkle of green sauce. Omg.), and my mouth will love every bite. Then, my mouth will laugh in the face of my soon-to-be-unsettled bowels. 
This is what it feels like I'm eating when I finish my dream burrito.
I'll spare you the details that I know would accompany a Chick-fil-a breakfast bagel sandwich, a medium rare filet from Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, glass upon glass of Ovaltine, and a heaping bowl of Oatmeal Squares - for I know the longevity of this post could far surpass just 6 bullet points.

Note: during this post I have since completed nearly a pound of chocolate covered almonds. I would say I have a problem, but I don't. So shut up.